September 6, 2011

I Hate Married Men

I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I spend lots and lots and lots of time interacting with other moms and kids. It's wonderful.

Sometimes I encounter dads. And dads all have the Exact. Same. Problem.

They think I'm hitting on them.

Here's a hypothetical situation that happened to me this morning at my daughter's gymnastics class:

"Hey! Are you Anna's daddy?"

/cautiously/ "Yes."

"Oh my gosh, she is the best kid in class! I'm so glad you're getting a chance to watch her. She's patient, she's a great listener, and she's extremely talented! My kid looks like the Tasmanian Devil next to her. You should be very proud."

"So, you've met my wife then?"

"Uh. I don't think so. Doesn't your nanny normally bring her?"



I turn to another mom: "Blah blah blah ~something about my husband~ blah."

Then the guy is my BFF for the rest of class.


I said: "Your daughter is top notch. You should be proud."

He heard: "Your ass is smokin' in those Dockers. Brown loafers with tassels make me wet. How about you and me hit the back seat of my minivan while the kids are in class? Let me just go move the stuffed monkey and burp cloths out of the way. Sure, finish your latte. Absolutely."

First of all (and completely beside the point) white collar guys make me want to barf. Give me a bearded mechanic, a tattooed punk rocker, ANYTHING but some dumbass with a Bluetooth babbling about paradigm shifts.

To be fair, single guys do it too. I can have a conversation with a single guy, though. Why?

Single guy: "She totally wants a piece of this. She's fat and old, but whatever. It's a slow day. I guess I have time for a little doggy style."

Married guy: "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

There are only two reasons married men may behave this way. One is that they don't want to have sex with me.
~yeah, right~

We are talking about men. Let's face it, the best possible outcome of every conversation for a man is a blow job.

So, as a woman / wife / feminist I am sad to admit that they are afraid of... their wives.

Oh, god. Are we women that bad? Are our poor men so henpecked that they look over their shoulder whenever they come within 10 yards of a vagina?

Lighten up, ladies! Are you wives or are you jailers? Are you that afraid of betrayal? Because, frankly, if he's that easily led astray you're better off alone.

The only thing a husband OR a wife should avoid is disrespecting their spouse. If my family is out to dinner and I spend the whole meal making eyes and a handsome young soldier then I am totally disrespecting my husband! If I go to gymnastics and have a conversation with a man about our kids, the weather, or when Rules of Engagement is coming back on it has nothing to do with my marriage.


I'd love to see the look on these women's faces if they got a text from their husband saying: "This chick in front of me at Wal Mart is practically naked! Too bad the camera on my phone makes a clicking sound. I wonder if I can disable that."

Or if their husband came home and said: "There's a really hot woman who works in the building next to mine and I haven't seen her in ages. Maybe she quit. That sucks."

My husband does stuff like that all the time! Why should I care? He's married, not dead.

If I'm being honest I guess I'd welcome a sister wife, as long as she doesn't mind vacuuming. I really hate vacuuming. I'll take the toilets instead if that's cool.

You may be surprised to learn that I didn't make an outline for this post.     

Hypothesis: Something taken to be true for the purpose of argument or investigation; an assumption. Yeah, I totally know what it means. Has that been bothering you this whole time? Awesome.